The first area of interest is the name of the company. We anticipate the report will show that companies who have titles such as “We Hate Our Customers” or “Far Too Expensive For Anyone To Buy Anything From” do not perform as well as companies who have titles such as “Everything Free” or “Perfect Service Every Time”. The report will then spend the next 16 pages discussing the worldwide significance of these findings.
The second area of interest will be the short description of the companies activities. It will highlight that companies who produce useful things such as cars and plates tend to do better than companies who produce straight coathangers for Quasimodo lookalikes or snow for export to Siberia. The report will then discuss subsidiary findings that companies who do useful things tend to have more satisfied employees than companies who are involved in pointless activities.
The report will then move on to discuss the specifics of digital identity starting with websites. It may conclude that companies who have websites which describe what they do more successful than companies who do not. For example McDonald’s website might not be as popular if it was called “Vegetarians_against_fast-food.com”. Again perhaps “We Buy Any Car.com” would not be as popular if it was called “We Buy Any Yak.com”. It will highlight that websites with no content and no originality don’t tend to succeed. It will show that companies who use free website hosting and don’t have their own address are regarded as being less plausible than say, Sony or BT.
Building on the theme of digital identity the report will next consider email addresses. Detailed research will probably show that companies who adopt obscure email addresses such as “wrdfre!!)(*@yahoo.com” or “zombies@Gmail.com” do not tend to get a lot of email.
Part of the companies digital identity are the phone numbers that they display to the world. Since this report is produced by Birchills Telecom it will indicate that companies who use mobile phone numbers only will be dramatically less successful than companies who use local phone numbers from Birchills Telecom. In fact since this is the whole point of the report the next 32 pages of the report will endlessly examined this phenomenon and emphasise repeatedly how important using Birchills Telecom’s phone numbers can be.
It is highly improbable that anyone will read beyond this point. However the longer the report more credibility it tends to have and so there will be a long section dedicated to “Didactic Materialism In The Postcolonial World”. This section will consist of computer-generated text which sounds as though it must mean something, if only one could spend several days trying to figure it out.
Once the report has been proofread and corrected multiple times it will be emailed out to every technical journalist that we can find. The accompanying press release will encompass the level of research undertaken, for example, it will be important to emphasise that 5000 companies were interviewed in the making of the report. The release will be headlined with the most startling finding from the report “companies with great digital identities do well”.
We are sure that the "SODIT" report will have as much impact as most of the reports that are circulating on the Internet. Prior to commencing the research for the report we are seeking contributions from any QUANGO's that may be interested.